Praise be to the Almighty Astronaut!

Before I go any further let me first assure you that I'm not a Science Fiction fan - I yawn in the face of Star Trek, I snigger at the mere mention of Arthur C. Clarke - until a very short while ago I rolled around laughing whenever I heard alien theories. Never have I read a science fiction book and I don't intend to either - besides I don't think I'll need to. Because Science Fiction is all around us - only there's no fiction involved.

The truth is, I once laughed heartily but I never actually examined the alien theories, and now that I have done, well, I'm not laughing. Naturally I still have a titter now and then, but only because each time I look deeper, it becomes clear that a great big practical joke is being played on us all.

To think I was considering studying archeology! - well, I'm glad I didn't. Not only because I can never remember how to spell it but also because I no longer believe 'ologies' and 'isms' show us the reality of the world - more likely they take us further away from it. And as regards our past, well, as far as I can see, religion, archaeology, science, etc are looking at it from the wrong angle altogether.

Just like the old stereogram posters (see picture above) - once you look beyond the jumbled patterns and start concentrating you see some hidden image inside - well, it's like us - we're looking at that poster and focusing on the colours, the patterns, etc, when what we don't see is the most important thing staring us in the face. As for me, well, I never could see those hidden pictures but I'm starting to see them now.

And really, they're practically waving in my face.

So, ok, I'm holding high the 'nutter' flag today but so be it - onwards to 'nutdom' because the fresh air of truth is just so good to breathe.

Naturally, I'm talking about the Ancient Alien theory and naturally you're going to want to see something that supports my belief. Or maybe you don't - you've probably heard it all before and it's just me who's the last to cotton on, as usual - after all Von Däniken's book 'Chariots of the Gods' came out in 1968 and there's been plenty of time to refute his claims. True, I should really listen to those level-headed scientists, archeologists, theologians, etc who say it's all baloney but somehow, I can't. Just what part of the poster are they looking at? I ask myself.

Däniken's theory is highly disputed but as William Bramley author of 'The Gods of Eden' says 'anything can be disputed. The dispute simply means that someone has chosen to quarrel,' and as most of us know that in turn means that it has touched a nerve in someone or many 'ones'.

Ok, so let's look at Von Däniken - I realise you've probably made up your mind on the matter already because I'm fourty two years late in writing this Hub but allow me, all the same, to express my opinion. I know I shouldn't resort to the argument 'but you have to admit he has a point…' but really, you do.

Discard the man as a nutcase or someone just out to make a buck by all means but what about what he has to say...This isn't a man who has just stumbled across a statue and said, 'ooh, look at that! It looks just like an alien!' - no, this man has read thousands and thousands of pages of religious literature from all over the world, who himself was educated in a Catholic school and was made to translate the scripts from Greek to Latin, from Latin to German - well, maybe I'm an exception but I've haven't read a single page of the Bible that thoroughly, although after hearing Daniken speak I'm almost tempted to - he's certainly put some 'vrrrroom' into it.

So let's take the Book of Ezekiel where the prophet Ezekiel describes his encounter with God:

'And I looked, and behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst therof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.'

Ehem. This is the arrival of God?

Their appearance was like burning coals of fire, and like the appearance of lamps: it went up and down among the living creatures; and the fire was bright, and out of the fire went forth lightning.

God was having a barbeque?

'When those went, these went; and when those stood, these stood…

That's an awful lot of standing for celestial beings…

'and when those were lifted up from the earth, the wheels were lifted up over against them: for the spirit of the living creature was in the wheels.'

Wheels?

'And when they went I heard the noise of their wings, like the noise of great waters….'

Roaring wings?

'And when the living creatures went, the wheels went by them: and when the living creatures were lifted up from the earth, the wheels were lifted up.'

Is this Gatwick...?

'And the living creatures ran and returned as the appearance of a flash of lightning.'

Well, forgive me for this but the only thing missing is God giving his throne a boot and asking the way to the nearest garage. Believe me, I don't want to upset anyone, particularly not astronauts - I have a lot of respect for them but I draw the line at calling them 'God'. And as for God - well, I believe there is one out there but not one that roars around with wheels. But I'll get on to that part later.

Perhaps you already know about the Cargo Cults? Well, in short, during the Second World War, Japanese and American fighter planes landed on remote islands in the South Pacific bringing food, etc to tribes there - having never been in contact with technology, what was the tribe people's reaction?

The planes were venerated as gods.

Had that happened thousands of years ago, might, just might, an account similar to that of Ezekiel's have come about?

Of course, one you start looking, the 'proof' is all around us - statues, cave paintings, descriptions, religious references (the Hindu 'vimanas' for a start - flying machines for gods?!) I'm back to that stereogram poster again - and something is waving again...

Let's take the Mayans - Pacal the Great, the most well known Maya king who lived amongst the people and when he died descended to Xibalba, the underworld.

Well let's have a look at the lid of Pacal the Great's tomb... 

It looks like a man in a space shuttle?! What nonsense!

Some point out, that for the Maya people to have elaborated such an intricate design - well, surely they would have had an original in front of them, the complicated 'structure' that we can make out on the lid.

So what happened to it? Is it in the underworld... or the overworld?

Let's have a look at the Nazca lines, in Peru...

Oh, come on!

That doesn't look a bit like a runway!! Yes, some of the runways, oops, I mean lines, go up to twenty five kilometres but well, what does that mean? Much more likely that it was an irrigation system! With mountain peaks sliced clean off and no traces of the ground dug up around.

Well, yes, there are those whopping great animal pictures all around but obviously the Nazca people got a bit bored whilst building the irrigation system and doodled a bit - I'm a doodler myself and can understand that, although I haven't yet done a 600 foot doodle, but well, maybe I just don't have a big enough pencil.

Ah, yes and that white powder they're traced from - that it's crystallised glass is rather odd. And according to Däniken, who sent a sample off for tests, that's exactly what it is.

Oooh, look! This one's waving at us!

Of course, this whopping great pictures can only be appreciated in all their glory from above - yes from a flying machine!  But signs from other planets?

Oh, please!  Stop monkeying about!

Ok, perhaps I should stop here because firstly I'm only going to upset people by treading on their beliefs and secondly I'll have to go on to explaining what happened to those alien visitors which in turn would lead me on to the Reptilian Theory and no one is going to thank me for that. And anyway, the Royal Family assure us that they're not reptiles and that all the reports are false (that they feed exclusively on white mice is absurd, says the Queen - household mice will do just as well).

So really whoever is running this planet - whether it be giant reptiles or giant martians or just a giant pair of Y-fronts (hmmmm, could be a new theory…) whoever it is, I have an inkling that their job is made a whole lot easier if we're fighting rather than melting away our beliefs on religion, culture and all the rest.

Perhaps the real answers are inside, and perhaps once we know them we won't even care about fighting over them because we'll have found peace - and perhaps that's the real God.

Aaaaagh, I never thought I'd say it.

But hey, peace is all right. No religion, no beliefs, no aliens ...aaaaaaagh!! Aliens!! (Sorry, couldn't resist it). But ok, if that isn't peaceful, what is?

This would be a perfect cue to add 'Imagine' but I'm not going to - the fact is I've heard that song far too many times and not only that, it doesn't convey the right message.

Because peace is just peace.

Not singing about it, nor talking about it, nor writing about it. So I'll be quiet now - and if God is roaring around with his wheels and flaming wings I may ask him to keep the noise down. Because how on Earth can we find peace with that racket?

Peace. And may the Astronaut be with you.