Dialogue with my subconscious - a brainwave

“Boss, I know it’s now ten to five and I haven’t written a word all day but I have an excuse you know.  Guess what I’ve been doing?  (This deserves a drum roll), I’ve been cleaning the flat.”

“Yes, I do know that – I am your subconscious after all.”

“Well yes, but you know writing it down does give it that certain importance it deserves.  Cleaning the flat – how about that, eh?!”

“It’s a rare event, that’s for sure.  How long has it been since you last cleaned it?”

“Well, not that long – six months or so I think.”

“Good gracious!  No wonder your mind is so jumbled!  What kind of a state was it in?”

“My mind or the flat?”

“Yes, very funny.”

“Well, it was a bit dusty but that’s to be expected as flats usually are, well I mean, I’d have to be dusting nearly every day to keep on top of it, and no one in their right mind would do that, now would they?!”

“So presumably a person in their right mind would be snoozing rather than dusting?”

“Yes, something like that.  Although I haven’t been snoozing today, oh no sir-ee!”

“And are your thoughts clearer now that you’ve cleared out your surroundings?”

“Well, yes I think they are.  I’ve certain got a much clearer idea of what I want for dinner tonight.”

“I see.  So it’s been an eventful day cleaning then?”

“Oh yes – there was even a mini drama!  I found a black beetle lodging behind the table leg in the entrance – I’m not sure how long he’d been camping out there but I think he was a bit bemused at being disturbed, he looked up at me all bleary eyed and gave me quite a fright.  And do you know what?  I actually screamed out loud and you know I’m not usually one for making a hullabaloo – one has to have some decorum, you know.”

“Well, I’m not sure how much decorum ‘one’ can have who cleans the house twice a year and is now sitting in front of the computer with some yellow paste plastered on her face.”

“Oh, that’s my turmeric paste – it dyes my skin yellow but it does wonders.  I’ll have to remember not to go out on the balcony otherwise the neighbours will think they’ve swallowed LSD by accident.  Anyway, you see, I’ve been too busy to write today, but I’m here all the same – aren’t I good?”

“Well, I’d hardly say so – who was it who was snoozing this morning from six until half past eight?”

“Oh boss!  I was so tired – I only meant to lay my head down for ten minutes – I don’t know what happened.  It was so warm and cosy!”

“This sounds familiar – haven’t I heard it somewhere before?”

“I know, I know, but getting up at five just makes me think of sleep all the more.  And I have such good snoozes after getting up early!”

“You could have been writing in that time – or cleaning the flat as it’s the latest thing.”

“Yes, I suppose so.  Oh boss, I’m a failure!”

“You’re not – you just have to keep off the sleeping.”

“But I’m keeping off everything – and my days of eating cheese are over!  Oh boss, I’m going to cry right here.”

“Just be strong.  You know wallowing in self pity is the easy way.”

“But I like wallowing in self pity – it gives me an excuse to go and eat.”

“And now your trousers are garrotting your waist each time you put them on so you’ve got no excuse for filling up on fried bread all the time.”

“I only do it because I miss cheese – we used to have some good times together.  Especially those evenings when it was on my Quattro formaggi pizza.  Oh happy times!  Oh woe!”

“Enough of this.  You’re only going on about it because you’ve got nothing better to do – you should be getting on with the task I gave you yesterday.  This isn’t good enough – you’re getting flabby, and before you go off on one, I mean flabby in the figurative sense – lacking backbone.”

“Oh boss, I’m flabby in all senses!”

“Now stop that – just get on with typing.”

“Boss?”

“What is it now?”

“You know that yellow paste I had on my face?”

“I do.”

“Well, it won’t come off.”

“Oh dear.  Well, you’re not going anywhere tonight so I shouldn’t worry about it.”

“Well yes, it’s all right for tonight, although I have to get the washing in from upstairs and I’m not sure what my neighbours will say when they see me looking bright yellow…but what about tomorrow?  I hope it’s washed off by then, I have to go to the market and get some lemons.”

“They’ll probably mistake you for a lemon looking like that.”

“Gosh boss, no offence but I’ve heard funnier jokes than yours.”

“Well, it wasn’t really a joke – I don’t joke, I work.  And you’re supposed to too.”

“But I have a yellow tinge – how can I work like this?”

“I can assure you that the computer isn’t fussy about what tinge your skin has.”

“I’ll tell you something, boss.”

“What?”

“I’ve discovered a great teeth whitener – you can’t help but have white teeth when you’ve got a yellow tinge to your face.  I think I might be onto something here.”

“Very good.  Perhaps you can demonstrate your ‘yellow tinge teeth whitener’ around Europe and see if it takes off.”

“I could well do that, boss.”

“Now get on with your work.”

“Okey dokey.”